The truth about the hell we are going through

Oh, boy. I knew this post was coming. It may have taken me a year to cool my pride down and realize that I really need to write. I'm going to chuck this out on the table. Because I don't really know another way to put it...especially eloquently. (I wish I was still an eloquent writer...not so much anymore). Trevor and I are struggling. Immensely. With what? Trying to conceive. Infertility. So how's our marriage? It's good. It's great. I mean, really, 99% of the days, we are solid. And I'm so thankful for that. But I have felt the need to sit down and write, and here I am. Infertility is the devil. I feel like we go through the stages of grief over and over and over again. Let's do this treatment. Oh wait, there's something wrong. Let's fix you. K, it's fixed. Let's start again. Oh, it didn't work. Darn. Next step. Oh wait, there's something wrong, we can't do the next step. You can't have expectations. Yet you feel guilty for being pessimistic. It's this cycle of stress, anger, acceptance, sadness, confusion, frustration, excitement, then despair. Repeat. You go through hell to learn there was no reason for you to go through it anyway, because it didn't work. You go through awful treatments that make you feel icky to only throw away your 20th negative pregnancy test that year alone. Your husband feels helpless and you feel bad for being so sick, but so appreciative that he's willing to give you back tickles and cry with you.

Now, if there's something wrong, I want to fix it. If there is confrontation that is needing to be had, I will have it. I found myself putting a list together of all of the things I wish I could tell everyone. And then thought, "Why the hell not? What is stopping me?" My pride has been stopping me all along, but I'm ready to set that pride aside....and let it all out. So, here goes. A handful of things I not only wish I could tell you, but things I wish everyone would understand, take into consideration, and know.

01. I think I'll start off with a quick apology. Throughout the last year or so, every time somebody asked me something that involved children, pregnancy, adoption, IUI, IVF, etc...this was my reaction.

Get out of my uterus. Get out of my business. You're insensitive to ask me that.What I've learned: People mean well. They really do. There isn't any friend or family member that I can think of who just wants information to gossip or to use it against you. My pride got in the way (aaaagain). If you are reading this, and you have gotten blank stares from me or not-so-sweet reactions to a sincere question, I am truly sorry. I am still learning on proper reactions, tact, and kindness.

02. I'm sharing this for two reasons, and two reasons only: to help you, and to help me. You see, nobody talks about this crap. I didn't want to talk about this crap. But there are SO MANY women going through it! And SO MANY that feel alone, including me. When I read posts about people struggling with something similar, it gives me hope. You are not alone. And if you ever want to talk, please email me, text me, call me, or let's go to lunch! This is not something you can handle by yourself. I've been so incredibly grateful for my sweet husband. But on top of that, friends who have dropped everything to be by my side when Trev is out of town and I feel like I can't take another breath. This is not an easy thing to go through.

03. I'm happy for you. I really am. Those beautiful human beings around me that are announcing their pregnancy and giving birth, I am totally happy for you. I've been so blessed to never be a very envious person. I'm a fairly optimistic individual, and if you are pregnant, please don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. I am so happy for you. I want this for you. Seeing you become a mother, or a mother again, makes my heart incredibly happy. Wanting it for myself is another story. Luckily, I haven't felt the tinge of jealousy quite yet.

04. I am always exhausted. I have never known this type of exhaustion before. My hormones are on a roller coaster. Even ask Trev: I cried the other day when he made me chicken noodle soup. It was just SO good. While it's not always funny, it's often mood swingy, and frustrating. It's not only physically debilitating, it's emotionally tiring.

05. I feel really really stupid some days. More times than not, I'm striving to count my blessings. I've only been dealing with fertility troubles for a couple of years. There are couples out there who have tried several rounds of IVF, or been trying with multiple fails, and miscarriages for over a decade. I feel so blessed and know it could be worse. Oftentimes, I want to shake people and say, "It could be SO MUCH WORSE." But it's okay to still feel bad for myself every once in awhile. Or so I think. :) I feel really lame for feeling bad for myself, because I know that I don't have it as bad as many do. On top of this, I feel extremely inadequate. I feel like I came to Earth to do something I cannot. And it hurts.

06. I have moments where I question my faith. It's embarrassing to me and also terrifying. I know everyone struggles, so I'm not afraid to admit it. However, I feel bad that I have let God know that I am struggling with Him. I oftentimes have a hard time understanding the whole plan. 16-year-old girls are getting pregnant, oftentimes aborting them. Drug addicts who don't want a child are giving birth to addicted babies. I'm not perfect, but what I want is a righteous desire. So, why exactly can't God give us what He has promised us? Clearly, after reading this, you will probably think, "Oh, yep. That's why she doesn't have a kid yet." The big man upstairs is trying to teach me much more than patience. I love the gospel. I know we all have a plan. I just have my days.

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07. What hurts me. While I'm not one to tell you how to live your life, there are a handful of things I'd love to express that have hurt me in the past that I wanted to bring to people's attention. Things that aren't true. My rebuttals. My thoughts. My feelings. Perhaps it's just me being sensitive, but in order to raise awareness, some problem and answer type situations should be addressed, right?

Phrases

• 'Just relax and it'll happen!'
  I completely understand that stress can play a big part into your hormone levels. But there is a medical diagnoses that I have received that has proved to contribute to infertility. The problem isn't that I 'need to relax.' It's that there are medical issues that we are working on clearing up.
• 'At least you know you can get pregnant.' 
  This one. This. One. Yikes. I had an early miscarriage. This phrase has been said to me from quite a few people. And as I mentioned earlier, they mean well. But, it doesn't help. At all. In fact, I'd rather not ever get pregnant than get pregnant and lose a baby. It's extremely painful.
• 'Stop thinking about it and it'll just...happen!' 
  Ha. Don't get me started on this one. Just....don't

Pregnancy complaints

• Pregnancy is hard. It is. And I'm sure it's much harder for others as well. But please don't post on FB about how miserable your week is due to the glucose drink you had to drink when you have a healthy baby growing inside of you that you didn't try very hard for. That may sound extremely heartless of me, but the complaints amaze me. 

08. What you can do for us:  Just pray! I wanted to write this because currently, I'm totally dying inside. Ha!  I'm currently a broken individual that is trying to find the happy 'wins' in each encounter I have. I'm still trying to find that line between not being pessimistic, but not having any expectations. If you ever need to chat, I'm always here. It can be difficult to talk so openly about our struggles, but it's something I'm constantly working on.

*Lastly..if you are a religious individual struggling with infertility, I've put a fabulous resource below that I have found to be incredibly comforting.

(Click here: 31 days of scripture during infertility.)

If you made it this far, I freaking love you. You're a gem and I appreciate you listening to me rant. Today was a rough day. And right when I press that beautiful orange "publish" button, I'm going to sleep so good tonight.